"Discovering Your Parenting Style: What Every Parent Should Know"
INTRODUCTION
Understanding and responding to our children's emotions is vital for establishing a strong and enduring bond with them. This connection significantly influences not only the current harmony of our relationships but also shapes their future well-being and success. As parents, our objective is to foster a secure and nurturing connection that aids in their physical and emotional growth. The capacity to empathize with and regulate our children's emotions is crucial for achieving this goal, as it cultivates a supportive atmosphere that enhances their development and self-assurance. Conversely, neglecting emotional connections can strain the relationship and hinder their progress. Developing self-awareness is the first step toward mastering emotional guidance, enabling parents to navigate the complexities of their children's emotional landscapes.
WHAT IS PARENTING STYLE
Parenting styles are complex and deeply rooted in our own childhood experiences and the coping mechanisms we developed. These instinctive reactions to stress—whether to avoid, submit, or confront—can significantly influence how we respond to our children's needs and behaviors. Recognizing and understanding these patterns can be the first step towards more mindful parenting, where we consciously choose responses that foster healthier emotional development for both ourselves and our children. This self-awareness can lead to breaking cycles of behavior and opening up new possibilities for nurturing relationships, ultimately enhancing family dynamics.
IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDING OUR PARENTING STYLE
Recognizing and reflecting on our parenting approach is crucial for fostering a nurturing environment for our children. It allows us to respond to their needs with empathy and support, guiding them through their emotional development. As we become more attuned to our interactions, we can enhance our bond with our children, creating a strong foundation for their growth in emotional intelligence and resilience. This conscious effort in parenting not only benefits our children but also enriches our emotional understanding and well-being, creating a more harmonious family life.
4 TYPES OF PARENTING STYLES
John Gottman and Joan Declaire's research on parenting styles provides a fascinating insight into the emotional development of children. They identified four distinct parenting styles: Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion Coaching. Each style has a unique impact on a child's ability to regulate emotions and develop healthy relationships. For instance, Emotion Coaching, which involves guiding and understanding a child's feelings, is linked to better emotional and social outcomes for children. Understanding these styles can help parents foster a nurturing environment that promotes emotional intelligence in their children, ultimately leading to healthier adult relationships.
1. Dismissing Parenting Style
Tendencies
May lack awareness of emotions in oneself and others.
Treat a child’s feelings as insignificant.
Disengages from or disregards the child’s feelings.
Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly.
Usually uses distraction to shut down a child’s emotions.
May make fun of or devalue a child’s emotions.
Believes children’s feelings are irrational and therefore don’t count.
Shows little interest in what the child is trying to communicate.
Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt, or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions.
Fears being out of control emotionally.
Focuses more on how to get over emotions than on the meaning of the emotion itself.
Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic.
Believes that focusing on negative emotions will “just make matters worse.”
Feels uncertain about what to do with the child’s emotions.
Sees the child’s emotions as a demand to fix things.
Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well adjusted.
Believes the child’s negative emotions reflect badly on their parents.
Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion.
Does not problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems.
Effects of this style on children:
Children might internalize the notion that their emotions are incorrect, unsuitable, and insignificant. This can lead them to think that they are flawed just because of how they feel. Consequently, they may struggle with low self-esteem and face challenges managing their emotions. Disregarding or suppressing children's emotions can create an environment where they feel unsafe sharing their thoughts openly and authentically. This can lead to pent-up emotions and bitterness, causing a sense of detachment and weakening the bond between children and parents.
2. Disapproving Parenting Style
Tendencies
Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way.
Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression.
Is overly aware of the need to set limits on their children.
Emphasizes conformity to good standards or behavior.
Reprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not.
Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited.
Believes negative emotions need to be controlled.
Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits.
Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles.
Believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough to survive.
Believes negative emotions are unproductive and a waste of time.
Sees negative emotions (especially sadness) as a commodity that should not be squandered.
Is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority.
Effects of this style on children:
Similar to the Dismissing style but more emotionally damaging. Children may develop a fear of expressing their feelings, leading to suppressed emotions and increased anxiety. This can result in difficulties in forming healthy relationships and a lack of trust in their own emotional responses.
3. Laissez-Faire Parenting Style
Tendencies
Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child.
Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings.
Offers little guidance on behavior.
Does not teach the child about emotions.
Tolerant and does not set limits.
Solves problems for children rather than helping them solve problems.
Does not teach problem-solving methods to the child.
Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out.
Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics; release the emotion and the work is done.
Effects of this style on children:
Children do not learn to control their emotions; therefore, they have difficulty concentrating, developing friendships, and getting along with other kids. Because parents handle the majority of problem-solving, children do not learn the skill and grow dependent or inattentive when faced with failures. Lack of boundaries and self-regulation capacity frequently results in a one-way connection in which parents are constantly and exhaustively satisfying their children's needs, leading to potential behavioral issues.
4. Emotion Coach Parenting
Tendencies
Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting.
Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle.
Is not confused or anxious about the child’s emotional expression; knows what needs to be done.
Respects the child’s emotions.
Does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings.
Does not dictate how the child should feel.
Does not feel the need to fix every problem for the child.
Uses emotional moments as a time to:
Listen to the child.
Empathize with soothing words and affection.
Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling.
Offer guidance on regulating emotions.
Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions.
Teach problem-solving skills.
Effects of this style on children:
Children learn to trust their feelings, manage their emotions, and solve difficulties. They develop high self-esteem, learn quickly, and get along well with others. Because they feel accepted and safe, they are comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings. This openness allows both children and parents to connect and develop a strong, healthy relationship, fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
CONCLUSION
Many parents want their children to succeed in life and attempt to achieve this by pressing them to change. However, this technique frequently does more harm than good to the child's self-esteem and relationship with their parents. If a parent wants their children to have high emotional intelligence, they must first improve their own emotional intelligence. The first stage is to be aware of one's parenting style, as this self-awareness is essential for fostering a nurturing and supportive environment that encourages healthy emotional development.
References
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett
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